the past days at the osho ashram been very intensive
been experiencing things i never did before
life is full of surprises
my girlfriend, who was resistant in coming to the ashram
is rediscovering herself
and as a result decided to be a free woman

very painful seeing her around
with her italian lover
especially since until the day of separation
we got so close to each other
like we’ve never been before

we took together a six-day workshop
“getting in touch with the feelings – tantric pulsation”
this workshop wasn’t intended for couples
and created a roller coaster of emotions
moving several times a day
from “you are the love of my life”
to “we can’t be together”
and back to the strong love

have a package of feelings towards her
anger, jealousy, disgust, and love
heart broken
last night finally slept
after not being able to for over 60 hours

my mind is constantly
haunting me with thoughts such as
what if i listened to her
and ran away with her from the ashram
the moment we noticed the risk
to our relationship

deep in my heart there are no regrets
all the ashram does
is speed up and bring up to the surface
the real issues that we just tend to avoid
saw the signs even back home
but always preferred to bury them

she has her issues
i have mine
she deals with her issues in a way
which could easily be criticized
i’ve been ignoring the issues
hoping for them to go away

both she and i feel
and told each other
that with all the difficulties we had
we were for each other
the biggest love of our lives

been her guide
made her less afraid of life
introduced her to many new things
including the present india experience
even though her actions seem to be
very unthankful and even mean
she keeps thanking me for my guidance

my role in her life has come to an end
time for her to move on
she took her own apartment
doing her own things
playing independent here in india

this madness and experience
may be the real life that
the majority of the world will never
let themselves face
if i knew that’s the way things will
turn out to be
would probably prefer not to come here
but somewhere inside was aware
of the possibility
what took me by surprise is the magnitude
and the way things took place
right in front of my eyes

been thinking not to share all of this
not to make you worried
that i’m in some crazy place
and not to make you feel sad about the way i feel

yet in order to stay in authentic communications
i need to be open with you
it helps me too

glad to be here in india with good friends
who give me great support
underneath the pain
there’s lots of happiness

© 2000. All Rights Reserved.
Zemach Zohar Wilson, Pune India, July 2000